Baseball rant

4/8/08

I love baseball. It is not a flashyassed Nike sneaker saturated sport but, like other things worth getting to know, it demands a respect for its' nuances and intricacies plus a healthy allegiance for teams and players you enjoy rooting for.

I do in fact have my allegiances, which are as follows: If it ain't the Dodgers, A's and/or Red Sox, it can suck my choad.

LOS ANGELES DODGERS: Team terrific!!! Nestled in the Camelot of baseball parks in a dreamlike atmosphere. They call it Elysian Park for a reason. There are only four really magical baseball palaces left in existence: Yankee Stadium, Fenway, Wrigley and Dodger Stadium. Yankee Stadium is going to be replaced soon by a zillion-dollar jizzfest of an opulent affluent replica. The Bronx and the Bosox ballparks carry too many ancient ghouls and goblins to be really beloved. Wrigley is a shrine to baseball the way it oughta be...but the Cubs have a historical penchant for losing their asses off. Dodger Stadium is truly Camelot. Three World Series wins and four pennants within eight years of arrival on the West Coast ('59, '63, '65, '66). Three World Series appearances in the Seventies ('74, '77 and '78) only to lose to the dynastic Charlie Finley A's and the hated Yankees back to back. Two Series titles in the eighties (the only team to do so), one of them highlighted by one of the most improbable stunning moments in baseball history, the Gibson walkoff. This has all cemented the Dodger Blue claim to excellence and tradition despite only having one playoff win since 1988 and Fox fucking things up in the turbulent 90's. Only three teams have more World Series wins. Also they went over 40 years with only two managers in that span: Walter Alston and Tommy Lasorda. Despite what most numbnuts will tell you these days, continuity is a good thing.

OAKLAND ATHLETICS: Where do you start with these green and gold pimps of the East Bay? Their lineage traces back from Philadelphia to Kansas City, where interspersed with a couple of dynastic eras in the early 20th century, they fielded some pretty laughable sorry ass teams. The A's spent their relatively brief period in K.C. being a perennial second-division dweller and the Yankees' bitch (frequent trades with the Evil Empire in those day repeatedly had the New Yorkers getting the better end of the deal at the A's expense). But in 1968, flamboyant owner Charlie Finley moved his A's out west to a little town called Oakland, and baseball hasn't been the same since. The A's revolutionized the game with their bright colored green and gold uniforms and mustaches, both of which were frowned upon by baseball's conservative establishment. Finley didn't just run baseball team, he ran a circus, and the flying acrobats pulled off three straight World Series titles ('72, '73, '74). After a dormant period (as doormats), the A's revived again in the early 80's under Billy Martin ("Billy Ball"). They returned to dominance in the late 80's and early 90's, winning four division championships, three straight American League pennants and one World Series title (1989). Despite their status as a small-market team and their overdependence on the Moneyball concept, the A's have had a knack for plugging in young talent and continuing to win and compete despite losing hordes of star players.

BOSTON RED SOX: Old school franchise, old school tradition, old school fan base. I have to admit, though, a good portion of the reason I root for them to do well is because they are the anti-Yankees. And how can you not have some love for Oil Can Boyd? Luis Tiant? Mo Vaughn? Ellis Burks? I know Beantown isn't exactly easy on the brothas, but the Bosox bros they have had over the years have been among the most beloved Bosox. Just don't expect the Fenway faithful to stand en masse and yell: "I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE!", Whole Wheat Bread-style.

Hate with a deep deep passion:

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck the Giants. Everywhere I go up here in NoCal, I'm surrounded by hate when I'm wearing my Dodgers gear. It's envy and jealousy because SF is always trying to get what we've got--mainly World Series victories and acclaim--and failing miserably on most occasions, heartbreakingly and excruciatingly on a few select occasions. It's hate, alright. Mostly by Giants fans who have never witnessed a world championship in the Gay Bay and most likely never will.

CALIFORNIA ANGELS OF WHITEBREAD COUNTY: LA Angels my ass. There is only ONE team in LA, the Dodgers, thank you very much. Did these fools think that by choosing some goofy ass unorthodox sobriquet prefix that included the CITY of Angels, that I would start liking them? Ummm, no. Bet you Donnie Moore is on the Field of Dreams right now with his nappy ass head doing what he did best...serving up a gopher balls in critical clutch situations and blowing saves like a motherfucker.

NEW YORK YANKEES: Need I say more? God I despise these fuckers. They represent everything that is fucked up about baseball, sports, and this country in general. Fuckem. Need an iconic superstar with a ridiculously filthyass contract of lucre? George is your man. Need a Brinks' truck? Need Lloyd's of London? Secret account in the Caymans? Tax exempt cash cows? Here ya go.