Giants’ next 40

As a Dodgers fan, I am hereby giving my forecast for the next four decades on the state of baseball in the Bay Area, more specifically, that wonderfully inept juggernaut from San Francisco which has failed to ever win a title by the Bay. Will their colossal bad luck change anytime soon? Read on...

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Giants next 40

2008: The Giants lose 100 games for the first time since 1985.

2009: Still out of work, Barry Bonds finds employment by starring in a commercial which airs in the Bay Area for Outword magazine. In it, he sings the Cameo hit, "C'mon baby tell me what the word, a' word up" while prancing next to a bunch of scrawny male models in his Giants uniform. The commercial becomes a smash hit. Meanwhile, the Giants have another losing season.

2010: A mysterious huge clump of white matter appears on the outfield grass at Pac Bell Park in center field. Speculation at first has it to be a big mound of spooge, then seagull droppings. It is found to be a drippings of mayonnaise mixed with Coffee Mate. The perpetrators of this incident go unknown.

2011: Struggling for revenue, the Giants announce they are renaming their ballpark "The Frisco Disco." Inside will be the world's largest disco dance floor and clientele.

2012: Mark Bryant, controversial blog writer and Dodgers fan, makes waves for writing a sarcastic story following this year's "Until There's A Cure Day" at the ballpark by suggesting they hold "Until they stop dropping the soap Day."

2013: Struggling for revenue, the Giants announce they are putting up new statues of Elton John, KD Lang and Melissa Etheridge next to Willie Mays.

2014: The Giants, with the losing seasons piling up, announce their bankruptcy and move to Sausalito.

2017: Duane Reeder, leader of the Dirty Sanchezes band and longtime Giants fan, rides aboard the Giants float during the Pride parade wearing a bikini thong and balloon hat.

2020: Reeder announces he is running for mayor but loses to Rick Winistorfer, a Frisco native. Frisco fans, meanwhile, celebrate their first winning season in 16 years.

2022: The Giants finish exactly at .500 but lose the NL West by one game to the Arizona Diamondbacks, who tie the '05 Padres for the worst-ever record by a division champion.

2023: Flush from their recent "success", the Giants enter the '23 season with high hopes, but these are soon dashed by an abysmal season in which a new low for attendance is reached. Reeder is named the new manager and the Giants announce a new mascot known as the "Saualito Sausage." The Sausalito Sausage also becomes a ballpark menu item alongside the "SF Giant" hot dog.

2024: Reeder immediately begins his tenure by putting up Barry Bonds commemorative displays, which the team had done away with following his departure. The Giants lose their first eight games, then challenge the 1962 Mets modern record for futility before settling for 109 losses.

2025: Reeder is put away in a mental institution in the midst of a 21-game losing streak for SF. After the sixteenth consecutive loss, he is seen running through the corridors of the Sausalito ballpark in diapers. It is revealed that he is incontinent.

2029: The Cubs win the World Series, making the Giants the official longest-running World Series champion drought-stricken team in baseball.

2032: The memory of a fat man in diapers becomes too unpleasant even for the long-suffering Frisco faithful, so the Giants move to Santa Clara.

2033: Santa Clara evicts the Giants for non payment. The team then funds a new ballpark in the Castro district of San Francisco, where they are enormously popular.

2035: The Giants discover that their season ticket clientele fluctuates wildly, until they discover that it is as a result of their Castro faithful dropping like flies as a result of their alternative lifestyles. They then become the first team to provide meds at the ballpark concession stands, hence their new slogan: "Buy me some AZT and cracker jacks...I don't care if I never get back"

2037: The Giants win the NL for the first time in 34 years. This euphoria is tempered drastically when they are soundly beaten by the Oklahoma City Necks in the first round.

2039: The Castro is declared a quarantined area. The Giants give up and move back to Pac Bell.

2042: San Francisco is attacked by terrorists and declared a war zone by President Rod Gray. The city becomes a no-man's land where criminals, gangs, vagabonds, and homeless people abound. The Giants give up and move to Fresno.

2044: Mark Bryant stars in the flick, "Escape from San Francisco", in which he narrowly escapes the ruins of the city. A nation is disgusted by the filth of the city seen up close.

2048: San Francisco suffers a massive earthquake and the entire penninsula containing the city sinks into the Pacific Ocean. A huge brown cloud can be seen in the water where the city once was.