I Need A Beer

6/23/08

One bright and early morning, I'm on my way into work and I pull into the 7-11 for a pack of smokes. No sooner than I pull into a parking space right outside, than I see some fuckass--errrr, street resident, errr, indigent person--standing there just licking his chops waiting to solicit my ass so he can be that much close to his drunk or fix or whatever his high of choice is.

I'm already pissed because (A) I'm on my way to the motherfucking salt mines, and (B) I don't dig giving away my hard-earned coin to some goddamned able bodied con-man standing on a corner someplace, and (C) this fool ain't got nothing better to do than hassle my ass for my hard-earned coin.

Even when I was going through that shit, I never stooped low as to beg motherfuckers. Fuck that shit.

I just did dumpster diving instead. Nice, independent work with little interpersonal contact. Interacting with people sucks shit anyway.

Anyway, I head to the store entrance, and dude starts up his tired-ass spiel of need. I'm thinking, if I give you a dollar, will you go the fuck away?

"Uhhhhh.....uhhhhhh.....I need a beer."

Fuck it.

"OK dude, you want a beer? I'll get you one. Just hold on and I'll be right back."

I go inside and buy a tall can of O'Doul's with my smokes, get a brown bag and stick the O'Doul's in it so it looks like any old normal leaded beer. In fact, it's neutered beer, but homeboy won't know this till it's too late.

I got outside, hand him the brown bag with the contents. "Uhhahhhh, thankya thankya thankya," in that inimitable goobbledygook mumbling that only drunks, junkies and retarded fucks can perfect so well. I start walking to my car giggling under my breath. I'm just getting to the door and preparing to get behind the wheel, when evidently homeboy has decoded my hoax:

"MMMMMMMMOTHERFUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Gotta love street people.