"Louis, God Is!"

Okay, it's time for me to break out the God thang...Four years later, it still carries as much meaning to me as when I first penned it...Some days I'm fired up...other days it's like (making wanking motion with fist). But still, it's there. It is what it is...

I do and say a lot of crazy shit...my stubborn and hardheaded nature won't allow me to bend to anyone's will...and that's just the way I like it. I like my individuality and my creativity and my ability to flaunt that shit. But there's a need to acknowledge and rise to something and someone way, way, bigger than myself and my concerns...

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Summer 2004

by Mark Bryant

While enduring a very sad occasion of a loved one passing away, I happened to be riding in my uncle Louis' car one evening and noticed a message pop up on his compact disc player interface screen: "Louis, God Is!" At this time, yes, I was very disappointed in God for having taken away my father and forget the hurt I felt...I was angry that others had to feel this pain. This message, however, served to inspire me through this excruciating period in my life.

My uncle Louis and my dad had, shall I say, their differences. My dad had no qualms about informing people of his displeasure with them, usually in no uncertain terms. Although he made quite a few acquaintances through the years, he was content to keep to himself most of the time. He didn't care for the socialite routine. When he passed away, however, Louis took control of all details related to funeral and burial arrangements. Louis is known in our family as "Chairman of the Board." In other words, he gets things done and insists that those around him pull their weight in making sure that is carried out.

In the Deep South, large families are common. My dad had seventeen siblings. Things were not easy, the cushy lifestyle that many Americans of the post-World War II Baby Boomer age took for granted in their youth was unknown to him. He was raised with a strong work ethic and desire, which he carried with him all his life. He did his best to instill that in me as a youth; he never forgot where he came from. I am continually in awe of the sacrifices he made for me and the fact that I was educated in private schools, given the best possible education, and never wanted for a thing as a kid. All this a scant generation removed from his being made to suffer the indignities of "Jim Crow" in Mississippi in the 1950's and 60's. Dad left home at seventeen years old to find his way, and he ended up living beyond his dreams in a way he could not comprehend while he was growing up dirt poor. When I was seventeen, my biggest worries were whether I could keep my grades up to get into a decent college somewhere, whether my beloved Los Angeles Lakers could win the championship, and oh yes, girls.

We all were, and are, saddened deeply by the loss of my father, because for what he lacked in formal education and sophistication, he more than made up for in character, self-reliance and wisdom. Through his strength and guidance, he helped pave the way for me to enjoy things that were denied him--and to appreciate them. Why then, did God call him home after I began to make a soul-searching journey to find inner peace which I would then use to reconcile with him?

My childhood years were great. During this time, however, I had little or no concept of God other than the fire-and-brimstone variety that seeks to punish for every transgression, who strikes fear of retribution into hearts in order to scare one straight. My years immediately following high school were that of an unfulfilled, underachieving state. I rebelled against this authoritarian being who had the audacity to carry lessons to me that life is not always fair or just. I was lost desperately searched for a means to an end to escape this reality. My twenties were consequently filled with turmoil and turpitude at every turn. The more I rejected a spiritual, dedicated plan, the more pain and heartache seemed in store for me. I justified my missteps with excuses and pointed fingers. Finally, I realized that not only was I living in misery, but I had trapped myself within these walls and this was insanity. There was nowhere to go but up, and for me that was to accept God in my life regardless of my feelings about organized religion. For me, this was a spiritual rebirth and a feeling of love and joy I had not experienced in authenticity in years.

So, to me, God is working in my life. He has restored my dignity and self-respect, he has made people look at me differently, he has shown me that the way to a satisfying life is to follow His direction and carry out His plan. He has walked me through some very difficult times now, and for that I am eternally grateful.

God is showing me the benefits of serving Him. Uncle Louis is very enthusiastic about his service and commitment to God. Through my renewed faith, I can sense a feeling of belonging that no human institution could have given me.

God is rewarding and patient to His people. He provides direction and gives guidance to all those who seek him. He turns no one away. He forgives us when we fall short of living up to His glory; he does not condemn.

God is instilling in me a sense of duty and responsibility to be the best man I can be. To love and serve others. To carry on what my father taught me. To do what my father would want me to do and live up to his proud legacy. To be a Christian man of principle, thought and action. To always hold my head up high and as my father would say "put some life in those hands"--shake hands like I mean it when meeting people in my encounters.

God is magnanimous in that he allowed me to see my father one last time and allowed him to see for himself the stronger person I had become, that I uphold my faith and values with conviction, not to be compromised. He enabled me to stand before my father as a new person, unwavering in my commitment to my faith.

Yes, to me, God is all these things and more is yet to come. I am still human and I still make mistakes, but I can now say that I have come home. Even this sad occasion of losing a loved one will not shake my faith, because to me, God is.