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Vital Statistics--
Born: Somewhere on the East Coast in upstate NY
Full Given Name: DEBORAH JANE
Marital Status: Just like Texas weather. It changes every five minutes.
Current Residence: Santa Nella Valley, CA (the armpit of the state, the unglamorous area of Cali you never hear about, the area not on the tourist guides where the migrants roam)
Hometown: San Diego
Nemeses: Bryant_MB (Raiderfan), Shalen (Ramfan and proponent of Bolts-to-LA movement), KP (crusty bitter old man)
Allies: Dan Dolphin (love interest from Miami), Luigiil (fellow NL West bottom feeder--Rockiesfan)
Nicknames: Sukihawk, Sassy Sukimelt, Sexy Sukimelt, Deb, Debbitha, Debbitcha, Debya, Bitch, Bitchess, Princess, Uki, Uki Uke
Favorite NFL Teams: San Diego Chargers, Seattle Seahawks, Denver Broncos
Favorite MLB Team: San Diego Padres
Favorite NHL Team: San Jose Sharks
Favorite NBA Players: Bill Walton, Luke Walton
Least favorite NFL Team: Oakland Raiders
Quotes:
"To know me is to love me" (No kidding. To paraphrase the 'Mary Jane' song by Rick James, Suki spreads her love around like a mofo.)
"Fuck you. Eat shit" (usually in retort to a Raiderfan comment on how bad the Chargers suck.)
Future goals: To disembowel Camilla Parker-Bowles
Greatest fear: That grandson Michael will grow up to be a Raiderfan.
TIMELINE:
1955
March 11--At precisely on this date, Suki is hatched, birthed, created, regurgitated, reincarnated, or shitted out (depends on your interpretation) into this cold cruel world. As such a holy terror, even her bio folks don't want nothin' to do with this hellion. She is taken in by a family of SDites and moves at a young age to SD.
1960
Summer--Suki gets into her first game of "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" with the boy next door. Upon hearing the boy query: "Why'd you break yours off?" Suki wails and runs home to mommy, who proceeds to teach her all about da birds n' bees.
Late 1960s
Suki begins her stretch of puberty and becomes reknowned at this time for having the biggest knockers in school.
1969
Fall--Suki enters Helix High School (9th Grade) and gains QUITE a bit of a following...(heh heh)
1971
...but it isn't until right around her Sophomore year that she is able to discard her cherry (while at the drive-in for "Midnight Cowboy" no less)
1973
Suki turns 18, graduates HS, and proceeds to marry first of many jackasses.
1975
Suki decides to become a GI Jane, be all that she can be, and get an edge on life in the Army. She enlists just before the official Vietnam era for veterans passes, earning her yet another distinction.
1976
While doing the nasty in The Black Forest in Germany during a bivouac, somehow SolPlyr's egg makes it up Suki's tract to the finish line. This leads to Will Gotterungdang (aka SolPlyr) coming out the box 9 months later
1977
Bill Walton, Suki's neighborhood/high school crush, leads the Portland Trail Blazers to the NBA championship.
1978
Another of Suki's offspring, Jennifer, is created.
Somewhere in the 80s:
- Suki leaves active duty and joins the National Guard
- Suki moves to the Bay Area and (sort of) attends Los Medanos College, where she spends most of her time in the student quad area smoking pot.
- Suki somehow gets wind of Jackass number infinity cheating on her and she flies home like a bat to confront him. He begs her to take off her holster before flaming him.
Suki dons her "Mow Down Motown" T-shirt in celebration of the once-inept Padres making their first-ever World Series appearance, but the Detroit Tigers defeat them easily in five games, highlighted by Kirk Gibson's monster dinger off Goose Gossage in the finale.
Sometime in the mid 80s:
- Suki moves to Colorado, where she is stationed at Fort Collins. She becomes a Bronco fan.
At Mile High Stadium, Suki is inattendance at a crucial AFC West showdown between the Raiders and Broncos. Donko Jesus-in-cleats (Elway) is sacked and he fumbles in overtime deep in Denver territory, paving the way for a Raider game-winning field goal. Suki freezes her ass off both at the stadium and on her way home (since her car has no heater and it's the dead of winter.) This important win helps the Raiders eventually win the division at 12-4 while Denver sits home at 11-5 (best record of team in 16 game schedule era to not make playoffs.)
Rest of the 80s
- More marriages and breakups to more jackasses to follow
- Suki moves up to Cobain City, where she develops an affinity for the Seattle Seahoz (errr, Seahawks.) As manager for a "well respected hotel chain" (her words--no Motel 6) she is lodging authority for the Seahawk training camp.
- One year, as appreciation for all she's done for the 'Hawks (hehehehehe), they get Suki drunk.
1991
Dan McGwire, Mark's "little brother" (he's six-eight) fails to win the starting job as QB of Seahawks, much to the consternation of Suki. Two years later, it becomes Mirer or bust for the 'Hawks. Ultimately, it's bust for the poor Cobainites.
1994
Chargers face the mighty 49ers in the Super Bowl and not surprisingly San Francisco is favored by 10,000 points. The Niners score 240 points in the first three minutes and cruise to an easy 12,456-14 win (actually it's 49-26, but you get the point...it gets fugly real fast.) Suki gets drunk.
1998
The Chargers and Colts both tie for the number one pick in the entire NFL draft. San Diego selects Ryan Leaf of Washington State and pays a king's ransom to get their man. They immediately anoint him the next Hadl/Fouts/Humphries, etc. This ultimately sets back the Charger franchise 500 years. Meanwhile, the Colts select Peyton Manning, who proceeds to become the next Dan Marino.
The Padres, who finished last in the NL West in '97, pull a worst-to-first and win only their third divisional title in team history. Rumors that the team will relocate to Northern Virginia thus are quelled.
In the playoffs, the Swinging Friars ambush heavily favored Houston (who had picked up Randy Johnson at the trade deadline) and heavily favored Atlanta (they take a 3-0 lead on the Braves in the NLCS and eventually win in six) to head to their first Fall Classic in 14 years.
The Padres are then brought back to earth and swept by the mighty Yankees. Suki gets drunk.
Leaf proves to be a complete dumbshit both on and off the field for the Chargers, who remain at the bottom of the barrel. Suki renounces any ties to her "son" and disowns him in subsequent years. The scrapbook on Leaf for this year includes screaming at reporters infantilely, inefficient play and dismal on-field performances, and a celebrated incident in which he gets kicked out of two watering holes and a 7-11 in a drunken bye-week trip back to Pullman in eastern Washington, his college hometown. Suki is disgusted.
1999
Leaf still sucks and is not welcome in Suki's abode. In a complete unsurprising development, the team catches him in a lie when he says he's working hard on his game, but playing golf instead. He is also discovered playing pickup touch football when he says he is injured. The Chargers begin plotting ways to get rid of his sorry ass, even though his huge contract is a proverbial albatross-slash-millstone.
2000
Spring: Suki stumbles onto the CBS Sports Line Board, an internet message board for hardcore sports fans, and assumes the handle "Suki 1". She meets a hardcore diehard Raiderfan named Bryant_MB. It is the start of a beeee-yooootiful relationship.
Suki quits smoking, but MB takes up the slack for her.
Suki and MB lock heads over MB's refusal to immediately don a Broncos T-shirt and take a picture following a close defeat suffered by Oakland vs. Denver on a Monday Night game (It was a bet). Suki then threatens to have uttered her final words to MB and never speak to him again, ranting: "Bryant only cares about Bryant".
2001
Early '01: MB finally fulfills his portion of the bet and Suki stops being a bitch about it.
2002
MB outs Suki as Ryan Leaf's mom in a skit he writes on the Fans' Sports Board (Jerry Springer Show). This is not well received by Suki, to say the least.
After a gloriously underachieving career that includes stops in San Diego (colossal bust), Tampa Bay (cut in preseason), Dallas (where he ends up after the season's underway), Ryan Leaf walks out of the Seahawks training camp and hangs up his cleats. His legacy is that of an irrepressible shithead who nontheless accomplished a few things of note: robbing the Chargers blind, proving that babies shouldn't play in the NFL until they at least stop pissing their diapers or get on Ritalin, and providing textbook examples of what a overhyped, overrated first round pick should NOT do.
For the Raiders clinching their third straight Western Division title, Suki must pay off a bet by wearing all Raiders garb and holding up a sign that says "I Love The Raiders!" and snapping a photo of it. This is received with great glee in Raider Nation.
Shortly thereafter, MB is banned from the FSB for the 896th time.
Shalen starts his "Chargers back to LA movement" which infuriates Suki.
2004
Suki marries for the 13,283th time, setting a Western Hemisphere record for white women (some royal chick in England owns the world record.)
Suki switches from Judaism to Wiccanism, the latest religion conversion in her 49 years on the planet.
2005
To be continued...HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUKI!
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